Sad Again!

Something is wrong in my mind and I don’t know what it is. I find it extremely annoying when I don’t know what is bugging me. It’s that time of the year, the best time in my opinion- the holiday season. The weather is nice, the people mostly relaxed, the time is to party and celebrate the birth of a new year. Just that I am not excited at all. About anything! Last year I was so keen to party, this time I am not. Neither on Christmas nor on New Year's eve. It’s a three day weekend on Christmas, some other time I probably would have been asking people of their plans, made some of my own to go somewhere are spend some nice time. This time though, I am not even mentioning it. V asked me, where do I want to go on New year’s. I didn’t have an answer. (Well, this one could also be because every time I travel, I tend to fall sick. So it’s a conspiracy that someone is doing so that I continue in this pathetic frame of mind! Yeah, kidding).

I have already complained about no drive or ambition in my life etc. it seems to be getting worse. At least I used to find the best exercise for a gal pretty exciting – shopping. Even looking at things I cannot afford used to give a kick. Somehow it doesn’t now. There are a few things that I really need to buy, but I just don’t feel like. There are things that I thought I would buy with my first salary– Bose speakers, diamond ring. I passed by Bose showrooms on two occasions recently, and I didn’t as much as spare a glance. How about lamps? I thought I loved them in my room. Well, no, I don’t feel the urge to buy a nice lamp either. Someone said it right, things cannot buy happiness. Right now they do not offer me an escape from the whole screwed up state of mind that I am in. Probably I am saving up for a wedding that might happen sometime? Ummm, no it didn’t make me feel any better.

Christmas weekend is coming up. I am mostly going to be alone in my room, since my roomie is going on a leave. I have planned to cook for myself. Let’s see if I can manage something there. Anyway, the plan is to finish off some pending work – meet friends. I have been putting that off for quite some time now. But why does it seem like a formality? I think I need to be alone ow. Completely cut off from everyone. If not any closure on my mind’s issues, at least it will  help me appreciate the people around me.

Just Plain Sad!

While I while away my time in office reading others’ blogs, I cannot help thinking why does it seem so hard for me to maintain mine. People write about their lives, their struggles, why can’t I? I thought I can write decently well, something very simple, if not ultra-fresh and stylish. But I just can’t! 

Anyway, I am again at a point, when my personal and professional life is screwed. No I am not depressed and/or unhappy. Nor am I wishing/thinking that the solution should be like this. Maybe I have embraced the ‘taking life as it comes’ philosophy very seriously. Good or bad I don’t know, at least I have done something! (Ummm no, it didn’t really make me smile, just a wry one sided bending of my lips is all I managed). 

Let’s talk about blogs. One consultant is kind of questioning if this is all she is made for? And what does she have in her life – working really hard to not feel guilty about a holiday, good reviews in the last cycle and some shopping abroad. No, I am not jealous. Nor do I question any of her thoughts, especially when I really appreciate the fact that she loves travelling and works for it. Just wondering, how she would feel about a completely opposite situation – just about okay reviews, no holidays, shopping in India. Doesn’t sound impressive to me. At all! And let me just add, that this low key performance, is going to continue for some more time. And the future is completely uncertain after the next six months. Anyone willing to exchange? 

Was talking to my married, recently mom friend ‘S’ today, and I was so impressed when she said, she is working harder these days - six working days, setting up a new place and enjoying every evening like it’s a weekend. Listening about so much energy works like a mirror for me, and I never like the image of myself in that. Self critical I am I know, but there is nothing to prove it otherwise. I had started going to the gym again last month and I thought there is something I am doing nice in my life. But my trip home changed that, no one complimented/commented if I’d lost weight. But they noticed that my face is getting smaller everyday (yeah, it’s a misfit compared to my body anyway) and it’s looking worse, I am looking sick. In some ways I agree and I hate to look sick; so after coming from home I haven’t seen the face of the gym in the last two days. And then there is ‘V’ who says I should not put on weight!!! Well, thanks! 

My roommate from engineering just sent a couple of snaps from her office wearing traditional attire and she’s won a prize for dance. Dance – aah. She was always very good at that. Damn me that I didn’t learn music, when I could have. And now when I want to, I don’t see much of a chance. Don’t remember which movie had this dialogue, but I see my life passing me by. Dull, boring, directionless, achievement less. Just that the depression is gone, so well yeah, emotion and shameless as well. Worse of all, I am in Mumbai, where people do not have time to feel like this. (Yeah, defying the normal is something I have always done, albeit in the opposite/wrong way!). I am back from home (How terrible, that I am in the same spot where I was before the almost 2 weeks break) and I hate staying in Mumbai, those small rooms, expensive rents, long distance to office and everything else. Wasn’t it for this Mumbai that I fought sometime back? Wasn’t it this personal and professional life that I was so worried about some months back? Well, what can I say? People end up where they are destined to. And probably this is where and how I am meant to be.

Ahaa....

Ohh man... I am so glad I finished the book… it’s been ages since I finished reading one... just think of this, I cannot remember what was the last book I started reading, and which was the last one that I managed to finish… I am so glad I am making some good use of my travel time…

I was reading The Kite Runner (Probably that makes me one of the last people on earth to have done that :-P). Anyway, that is not the point. I am just happy at this moment, just before another horrible day in office starts!

I should mention that I bought it from a street guy selling books on Mumbai signals. I was anyway getting bored without the radio (my phone has been gone for quite sometime now). He comes up to me with a bunch of books including the new one on Jinnah. But it’s too heavy for my liking and of course too fat to be carried in my bag. In a few moments I had to decide which one I wanted to pick. And this one seemed to be my best bet.

For 100 odd bucks (probably 120), it’s not a bad deal at all. At this moment, when I don’t have a home where I would like to decorate hardback editions for others to admire, I think it makes a lot of sense to buy something for cheap, read it and trash it if required. I hope it was of some help to the boy who sold it to me. I think he was about 12-13 years of age. Told me, ‘subah se ek bhi nahi bika hai’. I know he was lying, but guess if it helped him in any way, I am happy.

About the book, there is no point me going on to say that the book is really good. Actually, this was the second time after The Da Vinci Code, that I read the book after watching the movie. It’s not intentional, but I fall in that category of people who like to know the ending of a book beforehand. Ditto for movies. I don’t mind reading hazaar reviews before I go to watch a movie. On most occasions, I wait for that particular scene which the bloggers had made fun of. I don’t even mind knowing about the killer! Ha ha… Comparing this with a couple of my real good friends, R used to hate me whenever I would try and tell her about a scene in a movie. So does V. I just remembered the look on chhotu SC’s face when lambu SC had revealed that Abhishek dies in Sarkar!!

Anyway, got to go. The good part of the day takes a break for about 8 hours. I hope it begins again after six.

Random (two day’s randomness blogged as one)

7th October
Yeah as the name suggests this one is really the most random post that you will ever come across…. Maybe somewhere I am desperate to get this blog alive again ( I mean, with 3 posts in total, it was never alive anyway; just that it still can be visited a little more often by me) and hence these random mumblings to fill up some space.

So this is about – no, no not akshay kumar or govinda movies, not about love shuv or some bitching about something wrong that someone has done to me .. it’s about my thoughtlessness… yeah you got it right, bloody hell I don’t have anything on my mind to write about! Have I lost interest in everything, or is it that I am too busy in office doing the bull crap that I do, or maybe I am doing too much of the normal stuff (e.g., watching movies in a theatre on weekends, watching tv when I get hold of one and listening to some music when I am not in front of my boss) … I mean come on, even these are not reasons enough why I need to be thoughtless, aimless … ask me what I want to do, where I want to be 2 years down the line and I won’t have an answer to give you… maybe I am too involved in the trivialities of life right now.. Travel to work, come back, time pass and sleep… there is no development (of any sort) whatsoever…

It does bug me that I barely write anything here, not because I want a good number of hits on my page, but because my not writing here has got everything to do with my lack of thoughts only… this blog is supposed to share some simple thoughts, could just be naming a place to find some good deals at … or what to do on weekend, but no – its blank… sometimes back when I had this small issue about work, I used to say the same thing, no thoughts in my mind at all… and my friend would say, it’s just that you are not paying close attention to the hazaar thoughts that are coming to your mind… but now what? The problem is solved- the thoughts, well, still missing! Damn!

While I do not intend to compete with the blogs of a few women (I am guessing these are the eternal JU types) who have impeccable writing skills, views and seem to have figured out a thing or two in their lives… I am not a part of their league anyway, but being so damn numb is not my style either… come to think of it, someone writes something so imaginative (link) after seeing some dumbass and dirty pictures drawn inside a train bathroom!!!… The most I would have done at this point is abuse people for being so dirty and take a firm decision that I would never get into a second class compartment again!

8th October
Following up from my last day’s blabbering… I have figured out one thing – waiting for the big ‘one’ makes one lose out on the present small ‘ones’… a very true quote/thought which I believe in a lot… but why am I saying it here all over again…. ‘coz I just realized it once more… the ‘one’ in the last line could be replaced with anything – love, people, affairs, moments, chances to be happy- yeah we always lose out on the small chances of being happy, of making someone feel nice because we wait for those big moments (romantic or otherwise) which are too few in our lives… here of course I am referring to my thoughtlessness and absence from my blog… come on, how can I wait for some big shot idea to come to my mind so that I can write it here, people to read it and praise my writing skills, blah-blah!! My blog is supposed to be about thoughts, which I believe are supposed to last for a small time … they just come and go… else they would become ideas isn’t it and hence too serious to be a part of my life and too complicated to rest in my mind…
I think I am going to post a lot of these blabbering(s) from now on… I don’t publicize my blog anyway… whoever knows about this (umm, well a few lucky ones ...lol) can see the randomness of my thoughts and the way I think, from here to there and not following a single string!! Okay, but the point is what made me realize this all of a sudden on a Thursday morning? Well, just chanced upon a blog of a gal - a senior from insti… l liked her way of sharing her thoughts - clutter free and uncomplicated, albeit a little personal – letting everyone know that she’s been away from relationships for over two years is still fine, but giving others a glimpse of the loneliness in her life requires a lot of guts… I know, because loneliness is probably the worst of human emotions… I dreaded it till some time back (what?? Oh I mean, I dread it even now... it scares me totally) and it’s very hard and stupidly embarrassing to let people know about such a personal emotion …guess for this secretive nature, I have been labeled as an emotional introvert by a very close friend… I couldn’t but agree, because I was probably looking for that term myself… but then again I don’t have plans to change my ways either ( so very true to my nature!)…

Anyway, back to the point… I am publishing this today because, I do not want to make my blog a gyaan giving frustrated aunt blog (my posts were something of this sort only)… its more about starting out again with some trash… I think it’s more of my work (or lack of it) that is making me find ways to do things that ‘mean’ something, guess from now on there will be a lot more cribbing, but what the heck… I think at times I miss being able to look out for new movies to watch, not the regular ones that are released here… they are simply boring, wastage of money and time types and of course censored! I think I am going to take some time off the regular things I do… go out on my own a little ( hope the bloody Mumbai rains stop)… stir the creative person inside me to look out for things that I can use to do up my place…. I mean what can be more rewarding than making that apartment a little livable… that’s something I have been waiting for, here is the chance to do it – my way… maybe my thoughtlessness will go off a little… and I can share my experiences, giving some life to this dead sarcastic blog…