Happy(?) Women's Day...

It’s International Women’s Day today. And even though I am a privileged one of the clan who doesn’t require the support that this day is supposed to provide, I cannot help but wonder if I am really happy to be a woman? Sadly I have to say no, I am not! And here are top of my mind reasons why.

The best thing about being a woman - shopping, dressing up, attention. All three are pretty much non-existent in my life. My weight has been a reason for concern and it doesn't feel good when somewhere I know, its all going downhill from here (at least figure wise)! A woman's body, her mind everything is so screwed up. It is made in a way to tolerate the innumerable poundings that are supposed to come in her life. While the creator managed to give her the strength to live it through all, today I wish He had given us some healing power too, so as to get back to the awesome physical state that we can be only be in for 5-7 years! And you see, when the core is so damn screwed up, its hard to imagine how one can enjoy the aforementioned best things that can happen to a woman! 

I see movie stars being badgered online everyday for their figures. And think of it, these women are in the profession where they get paid for looking good. But even with all the resources they have at their disposal, not everyone can manage that hour glass figure, the toned arms and flat abs or the perfect clothes. Needless to say, I am losing hope on getting things on track!

Of course, the creator used his creativity to give another specific trait to us - the J feeling. We see anyone pretty or young or wearing a nice dress this burning sensation takes over all our senses. It blinds us and we feel so helpless because we cannot be the person/ get the thing we see. It is the most inexplicable feeling in us, there's anger, helplessness, irritation , tears all in there without any sight of a way out!

And to top it all, there is a world full of mean people, who do not think twice before using words like meh, fat, auntyish, behenji, bhadromahila etc to name a few. Though this one takes the cake 'another 5-10 years and no one will be interested in your figure'. Seriously, only figure? In another decade no one would be bothered to ask about me, leave alone my figure. Unless of course I completely neglect home and work 18 hours a day and then people would be glad to check out my salary package (which is a different story altogether)! 

I don't know how this started. I know I am upset and this is what I usually do when things do not go the way I want them to. I seriously do not see what is so special about this day or for that matter any other day to be so happy about in being a woman? I am hating it, seriously hating it. I wish I was a man, if not anything I could have had a longer lifeline of the 'prime' in my life!

For a change...

Our new apartment, though pretty nice is not dramatic enough. I don’t know what I mean when I say dramatic. Just that I am in a good mood, it’s a Friday evening and V is kind of tired to drive too much, so a good option to do something would be to get home and have a drink. But drinking at home is not too inspiring (if I may say so). In the sense that, drinking has to be accompanied by the right mood/ambience. The lighting in my place definitely lacks it. I can play some good music. But it still lacks something that I cannot really put my finger on. Probably a balcony? We do have a nice place in front of the windows where we can sit and drink, but it doesn’t exactly have the view I would prefer in these times. While I would like to see the hustle bustle of cars passing by, the balcony lit by reflections from the street light, view of people or the sea, the one I have right now is of a joggers’ park. That is definitely not what I would like to look at when I am piling on calories!

So my yoga classes are on. And it’s good; I can feel the change it has brought to my joints and fitness. Though I have to say I haven’t seen any improvements in the ‘inches’ section. Basically no change in my size and I still don’t fit into my formal pants which I last wore in 2010 Jan! Whoa!! It has actually been a year. Time does fly! While I stopped wearing them because, I was going to an office where I really didn’t feel like dressing up (and not because, I wasn’t fitting into them). I am bored now and need to get back to wearing those. Also there is a wedding in about 2 weeks. Which means, I need to lose weight fast! 

I went for a walk on Sunday. I just can’t run! If only I can make my mind avoid hearing those pulsating heartbeats I would be done. But every time it’s the thumping noise that does me in! And I was on a mostly fruits diet this week because V wasn’t here and I was in no mood to have bai made food. So seems like it is doing the trick. Lets see if some more dedication helps.

Last Saturday...

So last Saturday (21st) I managed to catch up with a set of friends whom I haven't had a chance to meet for a long time. All the credit goes to T though; she is the one who made a quick trip to Mumbai just to catch up with people. Pretty impressive and I really liked it. Being an extended weekend that it was, Y had planned to go home and couldn’t make it; neither could SB. So as V described it, M, me and T were meeting for a girls’ day out. It was great to catch up. Everyone had their travel stories to share. M had just returned from her Europe trip, T shared about Leh and well, I told them about my honeymoon trip. Work wise, I and T discussed a bit and of course there is absolutely nothing magnificent to share here. During lunch, A joined us. I met him after almost one and half years and to say that we stay in the same city. Pretty sad I know! Of course, what is sadder? My count of international destinations I’ve visited!! Compared to others, seriously, there is a lot of catching up to do.

Lunch was at Spaghetti Kitchen. This was my first time there and I must say their pizzas are really nice. Pastas too, but I still prefer Little Italy over it. After lunch T left to meet another set of friends. It was nice to see her traveling all over, for catching up or for pleasure. Something I haven’t done.

We decided to do some shopping while we were there. And going by our gazes and gasps, A commented something on the lines of – go ahead and shop. You are doing good for a lot of people. I couldn’t resist saying that we are doing nothing other than fattening the already fat wallets of some people and nothing else! Yeah maybe adding to the GDP, but even that doesn't serve anything it seems! Even the handicraft stores, which I absolutely love, don’t seem to me like they pass on a good margin to the creators of the products. In any case, I didn’t shop that day. But it would be such a blasphemy for the creators of that huge space build specially to rip apart your wallet, if someone actually left the space without spending a penny! So to obligedb, I bought this movie collection of Satyajit Ray. It has three movies - Agaantuk, Ghare Baere, Jana Shatru. Darn that I still haven’t managed to watch any of them. I have some time so I can actually watch it, but V is always complaining how I RG him by watching movies all by myself. And I have to confess it’s kind of true. And just because last Monday I created a bad situation at home and missed a movie for which I’d booked tickets, I’m going to wait. This one is for the team :-)

Post Wedding Blues...

So ... I'm married now. And after the long break for wedding and honeymoon, life is getting back to normal... But the thing is, even almost a month after the wedding, the whole wedding episode keeps playing on my mind. Problem is they are not like sweet memories playing on like a movie! They are thoughts that keep coming that this could have been different and it’s really annoying! I am sure I am not an exception. I think it’s kind of hard to manage a perfect wedding and hence these afterthoughts. 

So after coming back from honeymoon the things I have been doing is putting our home in order with my stuff being added to hubby's flat, taking responsibility of kitchen (which includes, making tea every morning and heating the bai cooked food for dinner:-P) and some more enjoyable tasks like uploading pictures :D ... well, as enjoyable as it may sound, it’s definitely not that easy. I spent some two days selecting pictures in which my make-up seems normal (I’ll get to that why it’s important) and then remembering to send the link to people...

The problem starts here, because people get back with comments- you are looking pretty etc., and i am so glad to gulp down the good ones. It's almost like somewhere I am thinking, I know I looked so awesome on my special day... But it’s really the bad ones that get me all crazy and I'll give some examples - were you painted in Asian paints?, your reception make-up was 'little over the line' ( yah i know what you mean by little)! And all these send me back to that day and I am thinking should I tell the make-up lady to lighten it up a little? Some people said I am looking good, so maybe it wasn't that bad... and seriously after spending a considerable amount of time selecting pictures where I don’t see two different shades on my face, this is kind of hard to handle! And these jumbled up thoughts in my mind make me really uncomfortable...

All this was with only one set of pictures... I hadn't seen my reception pictures so far. The day my bro sent a few of them and I saw my horrible make up...I almost felt like the whole wedding was such a waste because I look bad...I spend the whole day cribbing, cursing the makeup woman, complaining to mom, hubby, cousin, a friend and I don’t remember who else...trust me I am not at all being girly here. or maybe I am, because after marriage it doesn’t make sense to feel tomboyish anymore or rather claim to be one once you have done some really girly things like - wear sari, vermilion and roamed about the whole house in them and even traveled in that! 

Of course it doesn't end here...I see honeymoon pictures of a couple on FB, people have commented on such nice photography and I think, damn, why didn’t I have that kind of photographer's eye... Mauritius was definitely very pretty, why didn’t I capture it well...Why did the tour guys take us to a temple of all places!! And it goes on...the problem with Facebook albums and a vela person (in this case me) is, once I've seen one, I cannot but see the others! I jump to their wedding pictures also which I'd missed while on leave... And aah, aren't they nice... beautifully taken pictures of the ceremony. I am sure the whole album would look even better. I open my pictures' folder and check out my wedding pictures ... damn, they look nice but not at all artistic like hers... the hues are so nice, there is such subtlety in them which was missed by my photographers... they tried their bit, but it’s not as nice as hers... for a second i feel, what if i can go back to that day and do it again, but, that day was kind of tiring also, doesn’t make sense to go back and do it once more... shit, my memories will end up being like this. Damn it! ... 

And with all this thoughts I figure out who's the photographer, I go to their site to check out some really nice wedding pictures and start the day with a lot of sighs... I remember mailing some other chap who'd taken good wedding pictures and he'd replied with rates in the range 4-5k in dollars... sigh, sigh and more sigh... and right now i don’t know what to do, I really want/wanted good pictures from my wedding in my memories... kind of feels like an unfulfilled desire... 

I can’t think of how to end this note. Like in the case of most unfulfilled wishes, I am thinking I will end this on a philosophical note - that these things do not matter blah, blah... but I'll refrain from that, because I am really not in a mood to sugarcoat/suppress the scene in my mind...I just hope (and i am pretty sure) I will forget this soon enough!

Sad Again!

Something is wrong in my mind and I don’t know what it is. I find it extremely annoying when I don’t know what is bugging me. It’s that time of the year, the best time in my opinion- the holiday season. The weather is nice, the people mostly relaxed, the time is to party and celebrate the birth of a new year. Just that I am not excited at all. About anything! Last year I was so keen to party, this time I am not. Neither on Christmas nor on New Year's eve. It’s a three day weekend on Christmas, some other time I probably would have been asking people of their plans, made some of my own to go somewhere are spend some nice time. This time though, I am not even mentioning it. V asked me, where do I want to go on New year’s. I didn’t have an answer. (Well, this one could also be because every time I travel, I tend to fall sick. So it’s a conspiracy that someone is doing so that I continue in this pathetic frame of mind! Yeah, kidding).

I have already complained about no drive or ambition in my life etc. it seems to be getting worse. At least I used to find the best exercise for a gal pretty exciting – shopping. Even looking at things I cannot afford used to give a kick. Somehow it doesn’t now. There are a few things that I really need to buy, but I just don’t feel like. There are things that I thought I would buy with my first salary– Bose speakers, diamond ring. I passed by Bose showrooms on two occasions recently, and I didn’t as much as spare a glance. How about lamps? I thought I loved them in my room. Well, no, I don’t feel the urge to buy a nice lamp either. Someone said it right, things cannot buy happiness. Right now they do not offer me an escape from the whole screwed up state of mind that I am in. Probably I am saving up for a wedding that might happen sometime? Ummm, no it didn’t make me feel any better.

Christmas weekend is coming up. I am mostly going to be alone in my room, since my roomie is going on a leave. I have planned to cook for myself. Let’s see if I can manage something there. Anyway, the plan is to finish off some pending work – meet friends. I have been putting that off for quite some time now. But why does it seem like a formality? I think I need to be alone ow. Completely cut off from everyone. If not any closure on my mind’s issues, at least it will  help me appreciate the people around me.

Just Plain Sad!

While I while away my time in office reading others’ blogs, I cannot help thinking why does it seem so hard for me to maintain mine. People write about their lives, their struggles, why can’t I? I thought I can write decently well, something very simple, if not ultra-fresh and stylish. But I just can’t! 

Anyway, I am again at a point, when my personal and professional life is screwed. No I am not depressed and/or unhappy. Nor am I wishing/thinking that the solution should be like this. Maybe I have embraced the ‘taking life as it comes’ philosophy very seriously. Good or bad I don’t know, at least I have done something! (Ummm no, it didn’t really make me smile, just a wry one sided bending of my lips is all I managed). 

Let’s talk about blogs. One consultant is kind of questioning if this is all she is made for? And what does she have in her life – working really hard to not feel guilty about a holiday, good reviews in the last cycle and some shopping abroad. No, I am not jealous. Nor do I question any of her thoughts, especially when I really appreciate the fact that she loves travelling and works for it. Just wondering, how she would feel about a completely opposite situation – just about okay reviews, no holidays, shopping in India. Doesn’t sound impressive to me. At all! And let me just add, that this low key performance, is going to continue for some more time. And the future is completely uncertain after the next six months. Anyone willing to exchange? 

Was talking to my married, recently mom friend ‘S’ today, and I was so impressed when she said, she is working harder these days - six working days, setting up a new place and enjoying every evening like it’s a weekend. Listening about so much energy works like a mirror for me, and I never like the image of myself in that. Self critical I am I know, but there is nothing to prove it otherwise. I had started going to the gym again last month and I thought there is something I am doing nice in my life. But my trip home changed that, no one complimented/commented if I’d lost weight. But they noticed that my face is getting smaller everyday (yeah, it’s a misfit compared to my body anyway) and it’s looking worse, I am looking sick. In some ways I agree and I hate to look sick; so after coming from home I haven’t seen the face of the gym in the last two days. And then there is ‘V’ who says I should not put on weight!!! Well, thanks! 

My roommate from engineering just sent a couple of snaps from her office wearing traditional attire and she’s won a prize for dance. Dance – aah. She was always very good at that. Damn me that I didn’t learn music, when I could have. And now when I want to, I don’t see much of a chance. Don’t remember which movie had this dialogue, but I see my life passing me by. Dull, boring, directionless, achievement less. Just that the depression is gone, so well yeah, emotion and shameless as well. Worse of all, I am in Mumbai, where people do not have time to feel like this. (Yeah, defying the normal is something I have always done, albeit in the opposite/wrong way!). I am back from home (How terrible, that I am in the same spot where I was before the almost 2 weeks break) and I hate staying in Mumbai, those small rooms, expensive rents, long distance to office and everything else. Wasn’t it for this Mumbai that I fought sometime back? Wasn’t it this personal and professional life that I was so worried about some months back? Well, what can I say? People end up where they are destined to. And probably this is where and how I am meant to be.

Ahaa....

Ohh man... I am so glad I finished the book… it’s been ages since I finished reading one... just think of this, I cannot remember what was the last book I started reading, and which was the last one that I managed to finish… I am so glad I am making some good use of my travel time…

I was reading The Kite Runner (Probably that makes me one of the last people on earth to have done that :-P). Anyway, that is not the point. I am just happy at this moment, just before another horrible day in office starts!

I should mention that I bought it from a street guy selling books on Mumbai signals. I was anyway getting bored without the radio (my phone has been gone for quite sometime now). He comes up to me with a bunch of books including the new one on Jinnah. But it’s too heavy for my liking and of course too fat to be carried in my bag. In a few moments I had to decide which one I wanted to pick. And this one seemed to be my best bet.

For 100 odd bucks (probably 120), it’s not a bad deal at all. At this moment, when I don’t have a home where I would like to decorate hardback editions for others to admire, I think it makes a lot of sense to buy something for cheap, read it and trash it if required. I hope it was of some help to the boy who sold it to me. I think he was about 12-13 years of age. Told me, ‘subah se ek bhi nahi bika hai’. I know he was lying, but guess if it helped him in any way, I am happy.

About the book, there is no point me going on to say that the book is really good. Actually, this was the second time after The Da Vinci Code, that I read the book after watching the movie. It’s not intentional, but I fall in that category of people who like to know the ending of a book beforehand. Ditto for movies. I don’t mind reading hazaar reviews before I go to watch a movie. On most occasions, I wait for that particular scene which the bloggers had made fun of. I don’t even mind knowing about the killer! Ha ha… Comparing this with a couple of my real good friends, R used to hate me whenever I would try and tell her about a scene in a movie. So does V. I just remembered the look on chhotu SC’s face when lambu SC had revealed that Abhishek dies in Sarkar!!

Anyway, got to go. The good part of the day takes a break for about 8 hours. I hope it begins again after six.