Sad Again!

Something is wrong in my mind and I don’t know what it is. I find it extremely annoying when I don’t know what is bugging me. It’s that time of the year, the best time in my opinion- the holiday season. The weather is nice, the people mostly relaxed, the time is to party and celebrate the birth of a new year. Just that I am not excited at all. About anything! Last year I was so keen to party, this time I am not. Neither on Christmas nor on New Year's eve. It’s a three day weekend on Christmas, some other time I probably would have been asking people of their plans, made some of my own to go somewhere are spend some nice time. This time though, I am not even mentioning it. V asked me, where do I want to go on New year’s. I didn’t have an answer. (Well, this one could also be because every time I travel, I tend to fall sick. So it’s a conspiracy that someone is doing so that I continue in this pathetic frame of mind! Yeah, kidding).

I have already complained about no drive or ambition in my life etc. it seems to be getting worse. At least I used to find the best exercise for a gal pretty exciting – shopping. Even looking at things I cannot afford used to give a kick. Somehow it doesn’t now. There are a few things that I really need to buy, but I just don’t feel like. There are things that I thought I would buy with my first salary– Bose speakers, diamond ring. I passed by Bose showrooms on two occasions recently, and I didn’t as much as spare a glance. How about lamps? I thought I loved them in my room. Well, no, I don’t feel the urge to buy a nice lamp either. Someone said it right, things cannot buy happiness. Right now they do not offer me an escape from the whole screwed up state of mind that I am in. Probably I am saving up for a wedding that might happen sometime? Ummm, no it didn’t make me feel any better.

Christmas weekend is coming up. I am mostly going to be alone in my room, since my roomie is going on a leave. I have planned to cook for myself. Let’s see if I can manage something there. Anyway, the plan is to finish off some pending work – meet friends. I have been putting that off for quite some time now. But why does it seem like a formality? I think I need to be alone ow. Completely cut off from everyone. If not any closure on my mind’s issues, at least it will  help me appreciate the people around me.

Just Plain Sad!

While I while away my time in office reading others’ blogs, I cannot help thinking why does it seem so hard for me to maintain mine. People write about their lives, their struggles, why can’t I? I thought I can write decently well, something very simple, if not ultra-fresh and stylish. But I just can’t! 

Anyway, I am again at a point, when my personal and professional life is screwed. No I am not depressed and/or unhappy. Nor am I wishing/thinking that the solution should be like this. Maybe I have embraced the ‘taking life as it comes’ philosophy very seriously. Good or bad I don’t know, at least I have done something! (Ummm no, it didn’t really make me smile, just a wry one sided bending of my lips is all I managed). 

Let’s talk about blogs. One consultant is kind of questioning if this is all she is made for? And what does she have in her life – working really hard to not feel guilty about a holiday, good reviews in the last cycle and some shopping abroad. No, I am not jealous. Nor do I question any of her thoughts, especially when I really appreciate the fact that she loves travelling and works for it. Just wondering, how she would feel about a completely opposite situation – just about okay reviews, no holidays, shopping in India. Doesn’t sound impressive to me. At all! And let me just add, that this low key performance, is going to continue for some more time. And the future is completely uncertain after the next six months. Anyone willing to exchange? 

Was talking to my married, recently mom friend ‘S’ today, and I was so impressed when she said, she is working harder these days - six working days, setting up a new place and enjoying every evening like it’s a weekend. Listening about so much energy works like a mirror for me, and I never like the image of myself in that. Self critical I am I know, but there is nothing to prove it otherwise. I had started going to the gym again last month and I thought there is something I am doing nice in my life. But my trip home changed that, no one complimented/commented if I’d lost weight. But they noticed that my face is getting smaller everyday (yeah, it’s a misfit compared to my body anyway) and it’s looking worse, I am looking sick. In some ways I agree and I hate to look sick; so after coming from home I haven’t seen the face of the gym in the last two days. And then there is ‘V’ who says I should not put on weight!!! Well, thanks! 

My roommate from engineering just sent a couple of snaps from her office wearing traditional attire and she’s won a prize for dance. Dance – aah. She was always very good at that. Damn me that I didn’t learn music, when I could have. And now when I want to, I don’t see much of a chance. Don’t remember which movie had this dialogue, but I see my life passing me by. Dull, boring, directionless, achievement less. Just that the depression is gone, so well yeah, emotion and shameless as well. Worse of all, I am in Mumbai, where people do not have time to feel like this. (Yeah, defying the normal is something I have always done, albeit in the opposite/wrong way!). I am back from home (How terrible, that I am in the same spot where I was before the almost 2 weeks break) and I hate staying in Mumbai, those small rooms, expensive rents, long distance to office and everything else. Wasn’t it for this Mumbai that I fought sometime back? Wasn’t it this personal and professional life that I was so worried about some months back? Well, what can I say? People end up where they are destined to. And probably this is where and how I am meant to be.